The Fear Of It

I was talking to my husband the other night and he asked me how I was doing emotionally regarding my son's HIV and all the issues and I stopped and gathered my thoughts into how I was really feeling.

I am afraid. Afraid of the meds, of the OIs, the fatique, the Blech feelings and most of all the depression that my child is going through. I feel my hands are tied with manacles that there is no key to. I have been sick, Christ, I AM sick. Knowing what treatment, intrusive tests and Doctor after Doctor is like personally, I am afraid for my son. I don't want him to go through what I have been through and face today but I also have to stop myself.

I have to stop and realize that my son is of me. I am strong, he is too. He will pervail, he will stay strong. A few years back when I was hospitalized, my boy came into my room and laid down and wrapped his arms around me and said "Mom I'm Here"

I don't have to fear his pain or future but to embrace him every day and let him know I'm here.