Talk to Me Mom
First of all if you are reading this posting on how to talk to your child about his/her HIV status; Bless You. You are taking all the right steps to become a throughly supportive Mom or Dad to your HIV Poz adult child. Talking to your child about living with HIV and all the ups and downs that are associated with the Poz Status is intimidating at the very least. Parents that could talk about anything with their child suddenly get tongue tied. They don't know for the first time how to approach their child. Read my story in the Family Stories link or click here Learning To Breathe.
I have been doing some research and asking questions on how the HIV Poz person would like to be approached and have their status, health and well being be discussed with their parent. I found that many do not have a parent in their life that they can get support from. That in itself is a tragedy! To turn your back on your child is the worst thing a parent can do. Especially when your child is facing an uncertain future and can use all the love and support you can give.
The undercurrent of my research was that getting rid of the pre-conceived notions on how the virus was contracted is step one. Many Poz persons can be embarassed to discuss personal issues with Mom and Dad and all the stuff surrounding their disease. There are religious and societal mores that get in the way of having a supportive relationship with their Mom or Dad when it comes to HIV/AIDS. "Cultures are sensitive to talk about issues that relate to sexuality and drug use. But this is a matter of life and death. We cannot let cultural taboos stop us from talking about it," said Dr. Mamphela Ramphele, World Bank Managing Director, an anthropologist and a physician from South Africa.
I have put together a few tips on getting the conversation rolling.
1. Best advice I have gotten is to "forget how they contracted HIV" Start learning to Help Your Child. Getting over the initial shock and dismay about your child's status is key to a healthy supportive relationship.
2. Review the facts about HIV & AIDS prior to talking with your child. It is essential that you have accurate and current HIV information. Go on forums such AIDSMEDs. Ask questions and get answers. This is a great group of Poz individuals and they have much to share
3. Be honest with your child. If you are uncomfortable with the subject matter chances are they are too. Share your feelings with them. The feelings of you both can become a common link that will make the discussion easier. If you are upset then say it. Hiding these feeling will only jeopardize your relationship. If you can't talk about your child's sexuality, then talk to a trusted counselor about this. Get your comfort level in check.
4. Listen to what they have to say and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings. It is not about you. It is about your child and how they can work through the myriad of diagnosis, meds and living with HIV. Ask them how YOU can help them.
5. While it might be hard not to judge, try and understand your child's point of view. Even if you don't agree or share the same opinion, allowing them to express theirs without judgement is essential opening up communication about their disease.
6. Start questions with "when, how, what" to discourage monosyllabic answers. Questions such as "When do you see the Doctor nesxt?" or "What are your virus load numbers?" can help you get more direct answers to your questions so that you do not feel frustrated.
7. Always let them know that you love them. Verbalize this often.
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1 comments:
A great poster on an HIV AIDS Suport Forum left me these guidelines from one who knows....
MS came out with an invigorating list for my blog on how to talk to you HIV+ child.
Here is his list:
Never share information concerning your child's up-to-date health, including newest lab results without their permission. Maintain and improve levels of trust.
Once informed of your child's HIV, your child has every right to expect that over time, you will make some effort to learn about HIV, whether trough reading or direct experience with the POZ community.
Do not ridicule or dismiss standard medical practice when it includes checking you or your spouse for HIV in the course of medical diagnosis. MDs should be encouraged to ignore social taboos and protect all their patients. You need to avoid the "it only happens to others" kind of attitude since your child is "the other."
Do not tell you child they are looking "drawn in the face" or "getting some belly fat" if your child may suffer from Lipotrophy. Learn about the condition.
Do not tell your child they were stupid or foolish for getting infected when all the preventative info is out there. Conversely, if your child is long-term infected, do not say "I understand how you got infected when not as much was known back then." "Good" and "bad" infected is not a healthy way for either your POZ child nor you to look at people struggling for their health.
If you child is on ARV do learn how you may assist in dealing with side effects, offering toast or rice, changing linens due to night sweats, or understanding when frequent bathroom breaks are needed,
Do not tell your child that they "need to meet more people outside the HIV community" until you yourself have acquainted yourself with many in the HIV community (POZ, parents of POZ, and medical providers).
Do not worry about sharing the same water glass by accident, sharing bedding, plates, or towels. Learn why it's OK and spread knowledge, not ignorance.
Do not lie and tell people your gay child does not have HIV.
Do not let people tell "HIV jokes" in your presence without challenging them.
Do get to know POZ outside your family.
Do read up on treatment developments and discuss your reading with your child.
Do be involved in efforts towards HIV and gay social and civil equality. Be an advocate for medical and other reforms that will improve your child's health care, economic security, and peace of mind.
Do be honest and upfront with your child about what's on your mind, so they might do the same.
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